Changing Of The Guards

“I’ve got this, Mom,” proudly declared my twenty-one-year-old youngest when the two of us went for lunch, as he then proceeded to whip out his credit card with a bit of bravado. I couldn’t help but feel the pride and gratitude of knowing we did something right in our parenting. Here he was, on the eve of his senior year of college, extolling his independence and possibly his own gratitude for what we have provided him. As an aside, what we provided him was a credit card in his name with the statement mine to pay. “But that’s tangential to the point,” as I tried to explain to my husband, a financial advisor no less, who found my take on it to be quite humorous if not a bit naive. “Do you really think you’re teaching him financial independence by paying his bills,” he rhetorically added. A real mood killer… Financial independence is one of the primary markers used to define adulthood, according to a 2019 study by Merrill Lynch of 2,700 young adults, ages 18-34, coincidentally, the age range of our three children. And in past generations, it was assumed that the average young adult would be financially independent of their parents by age 22, coinciding with obtaining a college degree. But, just our luck, this so-called journey to independence has changed in recent years due in large part to both, kids feeling the need to seek advanced degrees and thus staying in school longer, and the diminished value of a paycheck. According to a Pew Research study, today’s salaries just don’t go as far as they once did. It goes on to emphasize that even though paychecks are bigger than they were forty years ago, their purchasing power has not enjoyed similar movement. As I am reminded, it takes more money now to buy the same things. Accordingly, a majority of these young adults admit they would not be able to afford their current lifestyles without parental support. No kidding. Hence, the credit card. Which begs the question, when should an adult child start picking up the ‘tab’ or at least offering to share in their own expenses? When should the presumption of who’s paying start to get murky or even start to transition? A close friend, with three adult children all in their mid to late twenties, all gainfully employed, recently admitted to still paying for their cell phone expenses because, “it’s cheaper to keep them on the family plan,” as if feeling the necessity of offering a rationale for it, knowing full well it would be a heck of a lot cheaper if they were on their own plans. And then, without any prompting from me, quietly added out of earshot from her husband, “I take pleasure in paying that bill. It’s the only one I have left to pay,” as if to say that our children’s financial independence eliminates their need for us. And yet, another friend with four children, all in their late twenties and early thirties, also each gainfully employed and living on their own, has them Venmo her each month their individual share of the family plan. As she explains, “once kids are twenty-nine and thirty, and are financially independent, the buck stops here”, obviously promoting financial responsibility. So, how does a parent balance between offering a sense of security versus enabling dependency when it comes to paying your children’s expenses? It was my father, at age 91, who raised this issue just this week, funny enough, just after hosting our immediate family, now numbering eighteen, for breakfast at a local deli. “At ninety-one and retired, is it still my responsibility to assume the obligation (of paying the check),” he questioned, and then quickly added, “I’m the only one not bringing in a salary.” DING, DING, DING…TRANSITION, TRANSITION! He is sorely not wrong. Based on numbers alone, my brother, six years my senior, and I account for sixteen of that gathering and are in a far better financial posture to assume the obligation as we both have salaried income. And on most occasions, if our mother’s not looking, as it’s her position that parents should always pay for their children, we do contribute or even assume it. But it’s not a cut and dry, across the board, standard of practice. At sixty-two years of age, when I am dining out alone with either of my parents, they would never allow me to contribute to the meal. Obviously, they don’t pay my bills or put money in my account or slip me a twenty every time I see them. Neither are they responsible for my safety or well-being. But they are still my parents. And that one act of payment gives them pleasure as their way of saying, “I am still here for you”. It’s synonymous with receiving a gift from them on my birthday. Does that make me an “over-indulged, cow-towed to, grossly overgrown spoiled rotten brat” as one person from an internet search on this topic offered in response to “[a]s an adult, is it normal to expect your parents to pay your way at restaurants?” I’d like to think that it makes me lucky to be sixty-two and have parents who can still take pleasure in being my parents. With the ‘Boomer’ generation’s parents seemingly living longer, but on a fixed income, the pleasure of treating their children to a meal becomes challenged. “If I know that my parents are treating, I will suggest a less expensive alternative,” a friend offered up, “but I don’t want to take away the pleasure they get from treating us.” Which begs the question, when do you know that the pleasure has diminished? “Do you know how many drinks you and your kids had last night,” a friend’s father questioned her the following day after paying the tab for a family dinner. As she explained, it had nothing to do with the concern for the quantity of alcohol that was consumed, but rather the expense of the drinks themselves. “The drinks were more than the meal,” was his follow up. That’s when she knew the pleasure had waned. What I’ve come to learn from speaking with other ‘boomers’ is that the simple gesture of paying the check when dining with one’s parent is not always so black and white no matter the age. Where one set of parents may welcome the overture by their children as their way of expressing years of gratitude, another may feel shamed or affronted as if they were unable to do so. Where one child may see it as a rite of passage, their parents may see it as a judgment of their own diminished stature. And yet, where one parent may accept the gesture, it’s their children who are fearful of appearing unmindful of the pleasure their parents realize from it or even arrogant for suggesting it. How do you discern between “their pleasure” from “your responsibility”? With the baby boomer generation, now into their sixties and seventies, sandwiched between parents who are retired and on a fixed income and employed children who have established their own independence, this topic is more relevant today than with previous generations. Who pays? Am I jeopardizing my parents’ retirement savings by acquiescing to a dinner out, and am I enabling my children’s’ dependency by paying their credit card bills? As a parent of adult children, nothing gives me more pleasure than being surrounded by them and knowing that they still need and perhaps want me in their lives. And nothing says “I need you” or “want you” more than the act of surrendering payment to your parents. It expresses that the parent still has an active role in their lives. They are vital and relevant, rather than burdensome and obligatory. For me its about my status with my children and my parents rather than their sense of financial responsibility. And in the same token, as a sixty-two-year-old child, nothing feels more comforting than sitting around a table being able to still need my 91- and 88-year-old parents. It’s not about the ability to pay that creates the dilemma, but rather what the act of paying represents. This one’s on me….